Best of the Best!

In one country there was a school of astrology. Not just any school, but a S-C-H-O-O-L with numerous regalia, titles, and yes, annual accreditation, held by the most perfect astrologers (as they called themselves) from a community that considered itself exceptional (like racketeers in the 90s who later became politicians and bankers). In the foyer of this school there was a posh desk and a secretary to match it, slightly siliconised by life, with a Botox-filled brain and an ear-to-ear smile with fake-white teeth and a perpetual ‘I...’ poking out before any sentence. Normally, at this desk, applications to become a student were filled out and a test was taken to help determine aptitude for astrology... yes, yes, a test to determine aptitude. But this school was so advanced and modern that the test was checked not by a teacher, but by Artificial Intelligence. In general, the school was super-technological, because it was headed by a famous scientist and astronomer, who considered himself an expert in astrology – Mr Bourbon. He was known by many names, depending on which country he opened his school in and which shoes he changed into. Other astrologers nicknamed him simply - the cobbler. After all, the best thing he could do was to change his shoes, and he understood something about shoes.

One day a student who wanted to learn astrology came into the foyer of the school. The first thing he did, as was customary, was to pay the entrance fee, and then he took a free test and filled out an application. The AI produced the following result: relationship expert. And although the student was less than 20 years old, and he knew as much about relationships as a first-year medical student knows about heart surgery, nevertheless, he immediately sensed his potential, immediately trying to arrange the personal life of the silicon secretary... with himself. But, as always, the first pancake went wrong:

- I... who the hell are you? Do you have any money? What are you? I mean, what? I mean, what? I mean, I meant to say what? I mean, I was gonna say what? Well, you got it! - For the first time in her life, the secretary tried to say a coherent sentence, but it still contained her beloved word ‘money’. However, she was not there for the sentences, but as an external entourage, which was more indicative of the fact that the students of this school would have the opportunity to buy silicone and fill anything they wanted with it.

- Yeah, yeah, I think I've got it all figured out. - replied the student.

The boy decided to concentrate on the upcoming interview with the head of the school, for which he also had to pay money, as he saw a picture on the wall in the form of a pyramid of astrologers, with Mr Bourbon sitting at the top.

As he entered the office, Mr Bourbon, shabby with life and greed, looked like an overweight Comrade Lenin with glasses. In this advanced school, it was customary to speak fewer words. So the first thing Mr Bourbon did was to take a bank terminal out of his pocket, saying:

- For each question, you will need to enclose a bank card. Understand?

- Yes, yes. Each one?

Mr Bourbon held out the terminal as the student asked his first question - ‘each one?’. Then, the following dialogue began:

- I want to become a student at your school! - began the young man.

- Well... that's the right decision! But let's make a deal - not school, but SCHOOL! Pronounce it more solemnly! Got it?

- Yes, yes, all right. So what makes your SCHOOL different from the others?

- You're asking the right questions, young man! - said Mr Bourbon, holding up the terminal to the student's bank card. - The first thing I will tell you is what makes us different from everyone else. I think everyone finds their island of salvation only here, having been completely disillusioned with other schools. Well, I guess so. And here's why.

Mr Bourbon showed the student a single table presentation that laid out clear parameters based on formulas for evaluating each school's KPIs. Mr Bourbon's school outperformed all the others, on absolutely every parameter, even though the other schools had no idea.

- Do you get it now?

- Based on the spreadsheet, you mean? - I had to tap my card against the terminal again. - Yeah, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

- That's good. What else did you want to ask? - Mr Bourbon asked, holding out the terminal to the card again.

- I've been dreaming of learning how to make accurate predictions! Can I learn it here?

- Of course you can, my young admirer! Of course you can! All you have to do, apart from paying for the course, is to buy my astrological software ‘Lisa’, so that you can pay your monthly dues too. You will have enough of this software for absolutely everything! Even more, it will do everything for you!

- Lisa will do everything for me?

- Not Lisa. - That was the name of the secretary, by the way. – Software named ‘Lisa’ will do everything for you!

- Even medical issues, which I hear are one of the most difficult in the horary astrology?

- Pfft... my young wallet... I mean – my young friend, of course! She can light up diseased organs!

- On the body?!

- Are you an idiot? I mean, no. On a chart!

- Bank chart?

- Not exactly. But I like what you're proposing! But no, you have to enter all the data of the question, choose the algorithm and voila, Lisa will do everything for you, like she does it for me... I mean, software ‘Lisa’ will do everything for you, of course. She'll light up the organs, you won't even have to think!

- Wow! Wow! So the AI will do all for me?

- Yeah, that's right, good for you.

- What am I supposed to do, then?

- Who's going to enter the data and get the questions? And who's gonna pay my dues every month? - There was an awkward pause. - I mean, who's going to get better at this skill every month?

- So I'll only be able to make accurate predictions with your software, Master?

- Yes. But don't call me Master, please. Master is too pathetic. I want to be closer to common people like you. So, you can call me the Creator, my dear student. - the Creator of the software ‘Lisa’ encouraged the student.

- Yes, God... Teacher... The Creator.

- How clever! - Mr Bourbon praised the student with the terminal.

- And I can predict things about the lives of famous people?! Wow!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Famous people's lives you said?

- Yes.

- Haven't you heard of our code of ethics?!

- What code of ethics?

- Listen, kid. Listen to me very carefully. Our SCHOOL is famous and renowned, as you know. We're audited every year and we teach to standards that have clear rules, including a clause about famous people! You can't predict anything about their lives without their consent!

- You mean if I want to know if Trump is going to divorce his wife, if the media starts talking about it, I don't have the right to do so?

- Exactly! Unless Trump himself consents to it, or asks you the question in person.

- Well yeah, the latter would certainly not be a problem.... And death? Can I predict death?

- No, that's unethical! We're supposed to give options and help find a way out of difficult situations, not predict events that might upset someone! This is more important!

- I get it... Okay, well, what about financial predictions?

- Are you an economist by training?

- No.

- Then no. Financial forecasts are closed for you too.

- At least medicine will remain... - the student was happy.

- Oh yes, I forgot to mention... If you don't have a medical education, ‘Lisa’ won't be able to light up diseased organs for you. I haven't put all the organs there yet - I mean, in the software - but it still will be able to light up most of them, if... you have a medical education, of course.

- I'm fresh out of high school, I haven't even applied yet.

- Oh, I'm sorry. But I am a physicist, astronomer, journalist, psychotherapist, writer, researcher, programmer and a man who has completed more than twenty courses in two years. Basically, a man and a steamroller. Almost like Wash&Go - two in one, only not two, but thirty-two in one. That's me! Therefore, kid, I know everything and have the right to teach others. - concluded Mr Bourbon.

- But I will be able to make predictions about relationships? - the student asked hopefully.

- Are you a psychologist?

- No.

- Then no!

- But your test said I could be a relationship expert! So I can't if I don't have a psychology degree?

- Yes.

- So I should only come to you after I'm trained?

- No... You can get tuition now, for money of course, but you can work in the field of astrology only with the corresponding education in another field. But you have to keep your monthly subscription to my software!

- So I have to pay without being able to use my knowledge?

- That's right.

- I see... I need time to make a decision.

- That's fine. But you'd better hurry up - places in our SCHOOL are strictly limited! Besides, when I find and get some more regalia and join other associations... then the price will be higher. So, it would be better to start studying now and pay a few years of dues, afterwards, getting a specialised education. One more thing... don't forget to pay on the way out.

The young student left the best Astrology SCHOOL in the world. As he wandered down the road, he wondered what he should do. Suddenly a memory of an old astrologer, who lived somewhere not far away in the mountains, together with a cawing raven, came to his mind. That one had no regalia and titles, and his school was not confined within its walls. It is said that only experience, knowledge, and a stick on the wall, so that the student did not start to think too long or reach a dead end, were the only tools in his training. But that's another story altogether...

Note: all names and events in the article are fictitious, any coincidences with real people, living or dead, are accidental. 

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